Fear and Flip-flopping

Okay, so with the best of intentions, I started this blog and soon come to realize that I suck and can't keep up with regular (read: once every..oh...4 or 5 months!) blogging. This sucks. I hate the dissertation, I hate grad school, I hate the fact that I've pursued a degree that has left me 100,000+ in debt and that I can't seem to get it together enought to finish and be done with it all.

I'm afraid to hang on and I'm terrified to let go.

Ever since I saw the movie "8 Mile" I've identified with Rabbit - granted, the only thing we have in common is the white skin -
what I relate to is his FEAR. The fear of failure, the fear of success, and the fear of failing without even trying. When Rabbit freezes on stage at the very beginning of the movie my heart *still* drops into my stomach hoping that somehow *this time* he'll find a way to get past the fear and just do what he does best.

I feel the same way about my dissertation. It's like there's a crowd standing around waiting for me to CHOKE, and even though I've got a group of people who stand behind me and encourage me and believe in me - I still feel like a fraud and a failure. I've read all of the "inspirational quotes" and all of the advice on how to help oneself get past the writer's block, but I can't seem to push through it and just get on with it.

I've had a million excuses - many are quite legitimate and many have just been smoke screens that hide the FEAR I feel every time I walk into my office and sit down to write. I hate this dissertation and yet I am attached to it because it MATTERS to me. It matters that I write about this issue - not because I think I will get something back (or maybe that's the problem, I fear writing because I think it has to be perfect in order to get "The Job" or "The Publisher"), but because I need to record what happened and why it happened.

One of the problems is that I can't figure out how to say what I want to say without making it seem like someone is "right" - I don't necessarily think either side is right, but I don't know how to not get pulled into either side's argument - they're both compelling. And when I get pulled into one side or the other, I think I must be the stupidest person on earth because I can't seem to stick to my "conclusion" about the situation. I'm truely a "flip flopper" - and yet, my highly trained sense of critical analysis understands that there is NOTHING WRONG WITH CHANGING OPINIONS, it's the people who get so deeply entrenched in their concept of what's right and/or wrong that are dangerous.

I keep hoping that I am going to find a way to write this and then get out there and get a job and be done with it.
We shall see....

The ABD Blues

I'm not sure how I ended up as an ABD [All But Dissertation] graduate student, but somehow I have jumped through the necessary hoops and landed on my feet. It's been a long haul from the beginning of my MA degree to the place I now occupy (on the cusp of finishing my dissertation).

Last year I participated in the bruising ritual of "the job market" with no success, and for reasons only known to those of us who are masochistically inclined, I am going to do it again. I am spurred on by the knowledge that somehow I am going to have to come up wiht the monthly payments on my $100,000+ student loans.

I have chosen to particpate in this ritual as a bright-eyed optimist - foolish? Perhaps. Dispite all of the negative news coming from academia (budget cuts, tenure denials, unrealisitc publishing expectations, and a lack of faculty parking), I continue to believe that it might be possible for me to land the "big job" right out of grad school; that I might work with lots of genuinely collegial people; that I will not have to sell my soul to a multinational conglomerate in order to get a decent salary and health care benefits.

That's my hope, anyway. I'm sure that reality will continue to rear it's ugly head, but I'm going to make an effort to "always look on the bright side of life!"

Tune in and see how long it lasts.